CALGARY — Left-wing voters in Alberta, including socialists, liberals, progressives, feminists, social justice warriors, Marxists, communists, Maoists, and sundry fascists, voiced their shock and dismay to receptive national and local media reporters, who assembled with them to jointly mourn the loss of Alberta’s failed experiment with the far-left NDP government of Rachel M. Notley.
Newsquips observed from afar several news anchors sharing sobs, with one offering back rubs for any among the assembled group who felt “the sadz.”
“It’s racist! Also sexist!” shrieked one large woman dressed in a t-shirt reading “You Say Commie Like It’s A Bad Thing” and a Mao cap, with a fist raised. “Because like Rachel is a woman!” she fumed. “Not that there are actual sexes, just gender identities ‘n stuff, so like men with penises can be a woman too, ‘n everything, but like Rachel identifies as a woman!” She went on, “Which women aren’t really a thing because vaginas can be men’s vaginas too!” She continued, “And we think the Conservatives colluded with the Russians!”
A Political Scientist from the University of Wood Buffalo explained to Newsquips that “After decades of the NDP fighting all oil pipelines, and scolding Canadians who use oil and gas generally, the party apparently attempted, ironically enough, to ‘gaslight’ voters by claiming they actually loved oil and gas and all pipelines, and they always did.” The party was trounced in yesterday’s election.
Prime Minister Trudeau is reported to be launching a new lawsuit against the NDP, claiming they lied. “We cannot have lying politicians, um, lying, uh, especially white men,” Trudeau reportedly said.
A jubilant Conservative Leader and Premier-Elect Jason Kenney told Newsquips he would begin immediately to restore the legislative assembly back to its original decor from the current rainbows and pink theme, implemented by the Notley NDP.
The NDP raised taxes on everything and promised more tax hikes, in addition to a promise to implement a new tax on “people pooping,” in order to “reduce poopy emissions” and raise government revenues “so as to expand government.” The party also promised to use taxpayer funds to construct new factories and plants to, as a spokeswoman told Newsquips on condition of anonymity, “build Alberta into like a wonderful progressive utopia like the old Soviet Union, except with no meat, duh!”
The provincial Liberals lost all their seats, in an apparent rebuke of federal Liberal leader Justin “sunny ways” “I am a feminist” “carbon tax” “gender equality” “indigenous rights” “we will end oil!” Trudeau. An angry Alberta Liberal spokeswoman told Newsquips that she “never heard of Trudeau, that jerk, and I don’t plan on ever hearing of him again, ever.”
The Green Party won a convincing 99.98 percent of people who voted against them. A Green spokeswoman named LaCraSheazx Carney-Bloomberg, who was literally green, explained to Newsquips that “It don’t matter, since the world’s ending in like 12 years from all the man-made global warming ‘n stuff er whatever eh?”