CARACUS — The government of British Columbia will overstep private enterprise and buy oil and gas directly from the governments of Iran and Venezuela, beginning this summer. This, to avoid any clash with “the cowboys and far-right free-market freaks in Alberta” an exasperated John Horgan, NDP premier of BC, explained to Newsquips today from yoga class.
Additional supplies will be obtained from Russia and sundry Arab OPEC countries seen as “preferable to Alberta and their damn cowboy pipeline,” according to the premier. “And a downward facing dog pose — oops that’s off the record,” the rotund lululemon wearing premier said.
“No Alberta oil and no pipelines from Alberta! Give Iran a chance! That’s all we are saying!” an angry Horgan told reporters with his left fist raised, raising the ire of the yoga guru who asked him to leave. “Namaste! Alberta is an evil regime led by far-right extremists and other capitalists and gun-toting free-market loons and violent climate deniers and pro-lifers who participate with other democratic freedom-loving capitalist countries, and also they might jail all the gays and maybe force women to wear Christian crosses and go to church!” he went on. “That’s what I heard on the CBC!” he added.
“Plus it’s dirty oil! They use the tar sands! And fracking — excuse my french,” he added. “And they act like it’s a cowboys and indians game! And we’re the indians! Well not indians actually but like aboriginals or what have you. Cowboys and indigenousans ‘n what not!”
Horgan explained that by importing from Venezuela, British Columbians could benefit by simultaneously helping to prop up “the troubled Maduro government,” as he called it. One somewhat dumbfounded reporter from Venezuela asked if helping a murderous socialist dictatorship where citizens are currently eating dogs and garbage out of garbage trucks, due to socialism, was in the best interests of British Columbians. But Horgan sidestepped the issue, saying, “Iran is a nation with decades of history, and unions I think!”
The oil mullah of Iran, Ishmar al-Binladdin, praised Horgan, saying, “Thank allah for Mr. Horgan and his great socialist regime! Praise be to NDP – hey that would very much be a good slogan for the new BC premier for life!” Horgan quickly reminded Newsquips, winking and using air quotes, that “It’s actually ‘democratic’ socialism.”
The government’s oil purchases, slated to begin in June, will be shipped across the oceans by massive state-owned Chinese oil tankers, directly into Vancouver harbor, the site of one of only two refineries allowed in British Columbia by leftists. A political science professor at the University of Moosejaw explained to Newsquips that, “The Leftist cabal, led by the NDP, have for decades protested against oil refineries, also oil pipelines, oil, gas, fracking, drilling, mining, shipping, storing, piping, and the using of any oil whatsoever, and are against natural gas and cow farting. Also plastic straws.”
As part of their Alberta oil replacement strategy, a new BC government-built refinery is slated to be built at Stanley Park Zoo. No name for the state-owned facility has been approved by the central committee as yet, however “Ocasio-Cortez Grease ‘n Gas” is reported to be the frontrunner. Also said to be contenders: “The Great Maduro Gazuela,” “Chairman Mao Memorial Gas Plant,” and “Horgan’s Ass,” the Ass being short for Association.
Another new crown corporation, BC’s 1,400th, will be established, tentatively called “Benevolent Energy Provider Corporation and Public Concern,” which is said to be patterned after Chinese state enterprises and nationalized Venezuelan oil firms.