VICTORIA — Sources tell Newsquips that in an effort to find still more taxpayer cash, British Columbia’s leftist NDP and Green colalition government and its premiers John Horgan and Green leader Andrew Weaver are expected to announce a new tax on peeing and pooping, in the coming year.
“Merry Christmas and a happy poo year!” explained Minister of Expanded Revenue, Chagree Abdul Minslahi.
The potential new revenue raised by such a tax is said to be enormous. A Party spokesperson reported to Newsquips that the revenue is said to be at least “shitloads of effin cash dude.”
The NDP is known to be searching for still more taxpayer cash to pay for more climate change programs, social program spending, higher wages for teachers and nurses and highway workers, welfare, housing, and free drugs for poor people and Party supporters such as news media.
“High-income poopers will be taxed more, naturally, as they must pay their fair share for pooping. Studies from every one of our publicly-funded universities show that this plan is a moral and sustainable and science-y, and the higher the income, the more fair it is, because reasons,” said NDP spokeswoman Sam Wallins.
“Somebody’s got to pay for the sewer lines and what not,” said another Party person with knowledge of the situation, “And who better to pay for everything than the rich people?” she continued, “Rich people got like all the money ‘n stuff.” Wallins added, “and they poo a lot more obviously.”
Not all NDP members (known as “workers”) are on board however. Newsquips spoke to several “workers” who complained that “since pee and poop are ‘organic’ and ‘sustainable,’ they should not be taxed, unless the pee-ers and poopers are high income, in which case they should be taxed very extremely heavily,” they explained as a group to Newsquips.
No word yet on exactly how the tax collection will be managed. Some have suggested that the citizens of BC all be required to install poo and pee-measuring toilets, and a new army of government poo-tax workers will be hired — possibly ‘refugees’ or ‘asylum-seekers’ from Honduras or Yemen. They would do the task much like the electrical meter readers do today, only these workers will tally the measure of pee and poo on a daily basis.
Another Party worker claimed a more fair method of tax collection would be to “simply bill rich folks while giving a break to — I mean ‘investing in’ — working men and women, actually just women because diversity and equality, but only if they belong to a labor union but not an American one because Trump.”
The Horgan regime has struck a committee to consult with first nations, women, and labor groups as to the viability of establishing a new state-owned pee ‘n poo-measuring toilet-making industry for BC.