TORONTO, ONTARIO—Newsquips has learned that workers at Canada’s state-owned CBC, specifically its “News” division, have decided to stop pretending to be a news outfit and just go ahead and run in the next federal election, tentatively scheduled for 2019.
“So we’ve been like neutral, playin’ it right down the middle, politics-wise, for like decades now, but we’re ready to be more transparent, and empower our reporters, and start a conversation, right?” said one CBC reporter who spoke to Newsquips on the condition of anonymity.
Going with the folksy campaign slogan “NDP & Liberal ain’t nothin’, we are the CBC,” our source indicates that the new CBCNews Party will campaign on an even further left-wing political bent than either the Liberals, the NDP, or the CBC. “We are progressive on steroids,” said another source, who also wished to remain anonymous. “We’re also frequently on pot, which is gonna be like legal you know,” she added, “so it’s gonna be a awesome campaign! Yeowz!”
A political science professor from a major university who knew of the situation told us that with all the media and academia on their side, it is thought that the CBCNews Party will be an easy win for the far left in Canada. “No doat aboat it,” he explained to Newsquips.
Platform details have yet to be announced, but are expected to include the nationalization of, among other things, all of the Canadian news media, which would then collectively be called “The CBC.” One person close to The Party explained “Our first five-year plan will include some culture re-education, and we’ll allow some old-school name recognition tools to be employed, for example, one Toronto paper will be renamed ‘The CBC & Mail’. Another paper, The Star, will be renamed ‘The Ceeb’, as it was largely the same as the CBC anyways.”
More details are expected to be revealed next week when the CTV and Global TV jointly launch a week-long “special” about the new Party, called “The CBC: Canada’s Only Hope for a Progressive Future — an Objective Analysis of What’s New in Canadian Politics.” CBC will reportedly simulcast the series in seven languages possibly including english. Viewers can tune in from 4PM through 11PM Monday to Friday on literally any channel.
The series will be hosted by special guest, socialist Jagmeet Singh, leader of the CBC’s NDP division and their prime ministerial hopeful. Guests making appearances are said to include Margaret Atwood, Rick Mercer, Kathleen Wynne, a woman who met Barack Obama, and assorted Canadian newspaper columnists.