OTTAWA – Officials at the state-owned CBC have revealed to Newsquips that progress is already well under way on creating a new TV channel and another additional massive Web presence which will speak only about pot and Canada’s new pot laws, 24 hours per day, seven days per week.
“Since practically all we do now is talk about pot ‘n how cool it is ‘n stuff, we thought the taxpayers deserved another government entity to um disseminate you know like information to them ‘n stuff like that or whatever?” said or asked a CBC spokeswoman with ties to the Liberal Party.
Newsquips asked another Liberal Party spokeswoman whether there weren’t already ample privately-run websites covering news, information, products, services, entertainment, sports, cooking, fitness, humor, and utterly everything else in our lives, times 50. “Shut up,” she explained.
Armed with a taxpayer-provided budget which is rumored to be in excess of 750 million dollars per year, which is only half of what the state-owned CBC gets from taxpayers annually, the new “business” will, like the CBC, also accept advertising online and on-air. It will also sell all manner of pot swag and merchandise, possibly including fancy bongs with the CBC logo emblazoned upon them.
“Theses bongs are made in Iran of the finest glass and plastic, and are very effective at getting our citizens as high as possible on drugs, and to keep them hooked on said drugs,” an insider told Newsquips.
Former Governor-General Michaëlle Jean is said to be high
on the CBC’s list of candidates to act as the new entity’s Chairwoman, President, CEO, and Chief Feminist, at a rumored basic salary of some $990,000 U.S. per year plus dental and yoga. The new entity, tentatively called Federal Utility for Cannabis-Usage, or FUC-U for short, will be run under the joint auspices of the Ministries of Health, Canadian Culture, and Ethics.
Clarification: Our article indicates FUC-U will be run under the joint auspices of the Ministries of Health, Canadian Culture, and Ethics. However, the Liberal government does not, in fact, have all the Ministries listed. They have no Ethics.