MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA—Facebook will reportedly acquire drug maker Zillius for $196 billion on Tuesday in order to quickly develop Facebook into a capsule that users will consume, after first logging in to their Facebook accounts. The capsule will use a new form of “nanotechnology” called “analtechnology” to record and transmit all “human bodily functions” and automatically post all the results to the user’s Facebook account’s newsfeed.
Facebook COO Cheryl Sandleberg is reported to have told insiders that Facebook now wants to mine personal information “from the inside out” for distribution to all friends, family “and anybody else who’s interested in what inside your body, unless you’ve got your privacy settings found on page 938 of the settings options features set to ‘no’,” Sandleberg reportedly said. “Just keep hitting ‘NEXT’,” Sandleberg advised.
Facebook sources tell or ask Newsquips that a suppository version will be first off the line. “Some facebook users are unable to swallow pills without like horking it up but are cool with sticking Facebook up their [arses]?” said or asked our source. “And we we want to be like as inclusive as possible, right?” our source said or asked.
“Once the capsule has done all its reporting and posting, it naturally exits the body, and users are asked to then “reuse, recycle, and repurpose” the capsule simply popping it back in again. “Daily news feeds about private thoughts are so like Fetty Wap [passé],” said another young Facebook “algorithm” “coder”.
“Now we really just want daily news feeds about your junk, inside and out. We want to get the poop scoop. It’ll be awesome,” said a young Facebook employee with the title “Creative Encounters Existentialist.”
“We want our users to ‘like’ and ‘share’ and ‘start conversations’ about their human life experiences to the whole world — from like their enzymes and toxins right through to like their poo and farts, right?” said or asked a Facebook representative in between texting emoticons to her friends.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was unavailable despite our repeated Facebook Messenger messages.