VICTORIA — BC’s NDP government is set to announce a series of new government mandates that will be imposed on British Columbians in the coming years.
First up is a new law requiring new car buyers to buy electric vehicles when buying a new car, by the year 2040. Critics claim the chosen deadline year is roughly ten to fifteen years after almost all vehicles will be electric anyway.
Several NDP-affiliated academics secretly consulted by Newsquips suggested, off the record, that brilliant innovation among car manufacturers after decades of research and billions in investments in electric technology made entirely on their own volition to beat the competition and for profits, have made it possible for governments to force people to do what’s happening already. “The trick is to for them to virtue-signal and look like super-cool progressive soothsayers and smartypants who started the idea, when in fact they’re dumb-ass suckypants, so it’s a beauty of a scam!” according to one academic named Wilma D. Milquetoast-Chow who wished to remain anonymous to protect her reputation as “a good party member.”
One 12-year-old graduate of a local elementary school told Newsquips, after asking his mom if it was OK, that as his quick review of information showed him, consumer trends in demand for electric cars has been ramping up for two decades or more purely because as free people acting entirely on their own, consumers have decided to take advantage of capitalism’s many benefits, such as electric cars. A kid named LaQuanza agreed, saying “they’re awesome and plus like socialist, like my teacher Ms. Guanguan said.”
When asked about what some described as seemingly irrelevant and utterly useless policies, the premier, John Horgan, told Newsquips, “We have to use the power of the benevolent government to impose things upon the citizens that are happening in our society in order to remind people that the power of the government is strong as foretellers of the future and brilliant central planners and we are there for the union worker and working people and working families who are in unions. Plus then we can say we made ’em do it, or invented them ‘n stuff or what not.”
“Also, I am a feminist and so diversity vis-a-vis social justice through for the climate change,” he added, seemingly flummoxed and possibly suffering a malady.
Also announced today, a new law that formally mandates the right of citizens to sign up for what the premier, using his fingers to produce air-quotes, called “social media” accounts, “such as the Facebooks soft and Twittergram.”
“It’s high time we democratize the new technologies such that our citizens can enjoy exchanging cat photos in an equitable manner, or fashion, by this government,” the premier told Newsquips. A new crown corporation is said to be in the works, issuing free cats to those who are low income and want one.
He added that “since Cuba’s Al Gore invented the internet, governments have invented lots of excellent social networking tools like the Googles.” The premier then added after consulting his Blackberry and flashing a devil horns hand gesture, “It’s lit and off the heasy.” Asked for clarification, Horgan briskly walked away while referring to his Blackberry.
Horgan is said to be in discussion with political colleagues suggesting more Starbucks outlets be built and a universal Starbucks For Free single-payer policy paid for by “the rich.”