VANCOUVER — The city that was until now known as a tourist and cruise ship Mecca will move to ban all cruise ships and aircraft, in addition to the common automobile, this summer. This according to reports from the Globe and Mail today (Block gas-powered cars from parts of Vancouver, city planners and engineers recommend).

Vancouver recently joined a short list of what political scientists call “alt-left” cities and towns that have bowed to pressure from left-wing extremist eco-activists and their powerful socialist donors and declared a so-called “climate emergency.” The mayors of the affected cities and towns will meet in the South of France next week, along with their “life partners” and staff, to discuss matters and “start a conversation,” according to a civil servant, one of 15,000 on the payroll. “Well OK, another conversation!” added the civil servant with a laugh.

“Tourist transportation, particularly cruise ships, are the very worst perpetrators of carbon violence, and we must end the carbon violence” says the Global Carbon ‘N Fabian Society of Vancouver chairpersonage Balindoo N’hilalista. “Also toxic masculinity!” she or he added hastily.

The spokeswoman or man said the effort will, according to U.N. and Chinese computer models, reduce the man-made global warming by as much as 0.000000014 percent over twenty five years. “That is if the Earth lasts that long! But anyways we’re scoring a solid virtue-signal, here, I think, to the hashtag progressives in newsrooms around the world?” she or he said or asked.

Vancouver mayor Kennedy Stewart, reached by phone while driving his SUV to yoga class, said he’s proud of the work his all-female, minority, and LGBTQ2 staff, whom he calls “comrades,” are doing. “We as government must look after the workers of tomorrow, lest the people be forced to live by their own devices and survive on their own without the benevolent government!” he told Newsquips, adding, “Like in Texas!”

Stewart was recently elected in Vancouver on a far-left platform of wrecking the place and turning it into a socialist hellhole full of druggies, perverts, and hobos.

The city is currently grappling with a homeless problem which has seen nearly its entire downtown eastside occupied not by tourists, shoppers, or apartment dwellers, but by the mentally challenged, who were put out on the street by liberals and progressives in the 1970s and 80s after closing mental health facilities willy-nilly, in order to make themselves look and/or feel better — this, according to several experts who have been booted out of academica and society generally. But several other experts who spoke to Newsquips on condition of anonymity said the streets are predominantly filled with decidedly homeless bums, druggies, drug dealers, prostitutes, and perverts.

Newquips has been told by sources that the city openly encourages bums’ tents and insist they must be left on the sidewalks of historic East Hastings Street, Gastown, and Chinatown. Mayor Stewart explained, “We feel tourists and other voters should see the sad result of capitalism, including all the poo!” When challenged, Stewart admitted, “Well OK years of us fighting capitalism with our socialism experiment! Democratic socialism!” Stewart went on to explain, “Of course it will be better once our socialism takes hold and can be truly tested! And anyways, there won’t be any tourists in a few months ‘cuz of the cruise ship and airplane ‘n car ban thing, so the only people seeing this will be us, so…”

Vancouver residents interviewed by Newsquips seem resigned to the end of tourism, and the end of their own ability to travel like a free people, with most indicating that because of their years of preening and virtue-signalling, and their resulting voting patterns, the fall of capitalism and the rise of socialism was bound to happen. One citizen explained or asked somberly, “We will survive cuz like Venezuelans are still around and they’re on social media too?”

The city is also pushing for a ban of the entire fleet of state-owned and operated BC Ferries, which transport citizens to and from Vancouver Island, citing their carbon footprint (government officials take the privately-owned, speedier HeliJet or Harbour Air service). Far-left BC NDP premier John Horgan was unavailable for comment.