OTTAWA — The Liberal Party of Canada and its news division, the state-owned CBC, have begun official inquiries into novel uses of the recently photographed black hole. The CBC’s role will be to “get Doctor David Suzuki and his CBC team on it, possibly with the aid of Bill Nye The Science Guy,” said a CBC spokeswoman at Liberal HQ. “Also, the CBC would like a place to liquidate Conservative Party news releases and policy announcements,” she added in strict confidence.
Our sources, who wished to remain anonymous, indicated that there was a considerable amount of Party paper as well as Party cell phones containing sundry text messages and emails that needed to be “disappeared, but in a sustainable, green fashion.”
A Liberal Party spokeswoman named Zelda laDaiquiri told Newsquips, “I understand the black hole thingy is in like outer space, so Canada could direct — I mean gently and respectfully suggest a differing opinion in order to save jobs etc — that a Canadian government satellite be moved to the black hole area of said space, and take photos, and then like post them on our Government of Canada Facebook page and everything?!”
Black holes are a phenomenon which all scientists pretend to understand, but upon any inquiry whatsoever, are totally inept at explaining, largely because they don’t have even the slightest clue. Answers usually take the form of hideous fake “sciencey” talk, in which they use any number of “sciencey” words, all jumbled together into a science word salad. Nobody, including themselves, can even remotely comprehend what they said, manifestly because they said total garbage.
Newquips has learned that The Party is also in talks with several news media outlets, who expressed a desire to “eliminate” a great many “solid journalistic reports” about Donald Trump and “Russian collusion,” now the the Mueller report has been completed showing no “Russian collusion.” There is also “too many stories about Justin and political corruption and STD-Lanolin?” said or asked the spokeswoman. However a NASA spokesman said that “there are currently no black holes of sufficient size and girth to contain the innumerable bullshit stories emanating from the press on these subjects.”
In light of the NASA spokesman’s comments, Liberals are therefore considering a new crown corporation to “encourage and inspire and empower” new black holes over Canada, “in consultation with indigenous groups, and provided we attain social license.” The aid to Justin Trudeau also said that cabinet discussions have included some back-and-forth about changing the name to “white holes” to alleviate the apparent “race-based discrimination against the negros.”
The black hole has been named Powehi — a Hawaiian phrase referring to “an embellished dark source of unending creation,” according to a Hawaiian language professor at the University of Hawaii at Hilo.
Minister of environment Catherine McKenna suggested “using her, the Powehi black hole, to reduce Canada’s carbon footprint.” However a professor of actual science from the University of Allgetout told Newsquips that black holes are actually a creation of God who made them to rid the Earth of excessive BS talk from politicians saying totally asinine things all day long, which God would like to summarily vanquish in totality, forevermore.”
Newsquips will follow the story as it develops.