LONDON, ENGLAND—If London’s strict gun control hasn’t worked to stop all the knife murders — now numbering more than all the mostly gun-related murders in New York City — then the City of London’s mayor, Sadiq Khan, says he’ll ban knives and everything else too.

The mayor told Newsquips that he will introduce additional bans on cars, “lorries,” sticks, stones, bricks, “aeroplanes,” heavy gumboots, “and whatever the scallywags use to kill other Londoners or our countless thousands recent refugees or immigrants” according to the outraged mayor.

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“Don’t overlook the dangers inherent in an overdone banger,” the mayor told Newsquips. “They are rather hard, and can be sharpened to a charred, pointy end, and can inflict severe damage to Londoners, and we will therefore enact strict banger control measures forthwith. Especially assault bangers.”

England famously has among the most strict and total gun bans anywhere. Even police remain, for the most, unarmed, although some have been known to carry overdone bangers.

One London “Bobby” explained to Newsquips that “a well-placed banger in a culprit’s bum-bum can cause considerable surprise for at least a moment.”

The government’s video surveillance cameras are ubiquitous throughout the City. So most of the knife murders are on video. London officials could not comment on the uselessness of either the gun ban, or all the government surveillance.

“Londoners will adapt quickly to eating their fish and chips, bubble and squeak, and mashed peas by other implements, including chop sticks,” London Mayor Sadiq Aman Khan told Newsquips while eating a pasty. Asked by Newsquips if chopsticks couldn’t kill Londoners just as easily as a knife, Khan told us, “We plan to ban the chopsticks with the really pointy ends, such that they will be hard to stab the Londoners. Also forks.”