VICTORIA — The NDP government of British Columbia is embroiled in what they admit is a “shockingly embarrassing situation,” just two years into their regime, according to sources. “This is like a boomerang hitting us in the butt!” exclaimed the source.
For decades, the NDP has led a cabal of left-wing activists to advocate for drastically higher taxes to make gas and oil unaffordable, thus “saving the planet,” according to their NDP manifesto, “from man-made — mostly white men — global warming.” But gas prices in the Vancouver area have now reached what are the highest prices in all of North America. Other taxes and fees have also been hiked, making BC unaffordable. This, despite their election campaign slogan “Make BC More Affordable — and Socialist, We Mean Democratic Socialist, Wink.”
“It’s a pickle wrapped in an unsustainable luncheon meat,” explained University of Osoyoos professor Mobad Mobigbad. “Their rather poorly thought-out messages of the past have come to kick them in their lefty gonads now,” she added, giggling.
Newquips has obtained a document from the offices of the NDP Supreme Commander and Gender Secretariat written on the occasion of their “Great Victory,” attributing their success to their years of demanding ever increasing climate taxes, their adamant opposition to oil, their violent demonstrations and court battles to stop all oil pipelines, their quest to raise gas taxes so it’s utterly unaffordable, their activism against oil drilling, their ardent refusal to allow any fracking, refusal to allow the storage of any gas or oil, opposition to the use of gasoline, extremist protest against the building of any oil refineries, and efforts to ban the use of natural gas.
The NDP has denied the existence of such a document, claiming that if we have it, it is being taken out of context, and it is fake news put out by the Russians and right-wingers.
But even within their own ranks, the outrage is growing. “What the frick!?” exclaimed or asked one NDP central planning committee member. “I can’t afford to fill up my Escalade at those prices! And I expense my gas to the government!” At 43, she said she will soon have to move back into her mom’s basement after leaving just two weeks ago.
Another exasperated government worker, Qristal Omagawd-Islam-Ching, who wished to remain anonymous, implored that Newsquips, “Tell the leaders of our great and benevolent government they should help us and fix this!” adding, “We wanted high prices because the man-made global warming, but this is too high nowz?”
The BC government charges 37 cents in taxes for one liter for gas, and drivers are publicly shamed for driving instead of taking the bus to Home Depot or Costco. The NDP premier, John Horgan, reached by Huawei on his helicopter ride from Vancouver to Victoria, claims the taxes are far too low and should be raised. “Taxes have nothing to do with the final price,” he explained to Newsquips. Horgan earned his economics and women’s studies degrees at the esteemed Ocasio-Cortez School of Economic Socialism and Gender Studies.
“We can’t figure it out,” explained BC’s Minister of Central Economic Planning and Oil Protestation. “We didn’t plan for our plan to not work as planned! With improved weather, the situation will be greatly enhanced! But I assure you we have committees starting a conversation about a sustainable plan which will soon be empowered, and it will be presented to the central committee soon,” she added. “We will have to raise taxes to implement lower gas prices, but this is an investment in our future,” she said.
“Nothing makes sense any more!” one frowning young NDP union rep said to Newsquips. “We didn’t know if we raised taxes the prices would go up!” he screamed, while taking a tug from a bong.