REGINA — Canada’s Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) have reportedly issued a coast-to-coast-to-coast all points bulletin in their effort to locate Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer. There have been no sightings of Scheer in any Canadian media for at least three months, and police have been notified. “We’re all like, yeah, we’re awesomely concerned about this Mr. Share,” according to a spokeswoman.
The RCMP spokeswoman, An-driahh Ali-Spewy’anki, told Newsquips that several people describing themselves as “undecided voters” or “weirdos turned off fer some reason by Mr. Trudeau” have approached the RCMP and filed numerous missing person reports. “We respect the diversity of the personages filing these reports and are tolerant of their right to speak their truth, and so we wish to empower them as to the whereabouts of the said white male, Mr. Schmeer?”, the spokeswoman said or asked Newsquips. “We’ll get right on it?” she added. Newsquips responded “Well it’s up to you really, so if you say so, yes.”
Newsquips was able to pinpoint the exact location of Prime Minister Trudeau by making telephone inquiries at various news media outlets, and by asking literally any Joe Blow on the street. We were unable to speak to any newsroom editors, reporters, or columnists, who, we were told, were extremely busy, and in the midst of deciding which giant photo of Trudeau to use in their next articles. However Newsquips found that even newsroom receptionists were fully aware of Trudeau’s exact itinerary, as was one of the hair and makeup men at the state-owned CBC’s local CBC Media Tower And Diversity Center Of Excellence.
However no newsrooms contacted by Newsquips were able to indicate the location of Mr. Scheer, with many respondents insisting they had not, in fact, heard of him. “One problem is that we never cover him or anything he says, like ever, so we can’t be expected to know who in tarnation he is right?”, said or asked a millennial reporter for the Globe and Mail. “Plus he’s like conservative ‘n everything, so…”, he added.
One Conservative Party official told Newsquips that Scheer is actually sitting in his office “at this time, trying to get a reporter, any reporter, to take his call.” The source told Newsquips that Mr. Scheer has been on the phone with newsrooms for days, leaving messages. “And yet he looks strangely happy all the time with that smile on his face. We’re thinkin’ he doesn’t know nobody’s covering him, and we don’t want to tell him, because, like, that smile might turn into a frown.”
The RCMP spokeswoman explained that in contrast, that NDP leader Jagmeet Singh was always visible “because he wears that colorful ‘hat thing,’ like all the time,” and further advised or asked that “Mr. Sherbert or whatever should where one too if he wants to be seen?”