TORONTO – The group which operates the Toronto Stock Exchange, or TMX, has agreed in principle to change the name of the exchange to better reflect what is now roughly 99% actual market activity and purpose.
“Since the Trudeau Liberals endorsed pot-smoking as a legal and safe activity for Canadians young and old, the Toronto Stock Exchange has been almost completely dominated by pot firms and eager, albeit high, Canadians trading their stocks, so we decided to um what were we talking about?”, a TSX spokeswoman told or asked Newsquips.
Newsquips has learned that the short list of potential names included BLUNTS-R-US, THE JOINT, and HIGH-AS-F TRADING CONCERN. However, reportedly after deploying several bongs during their meeting, the group decided on THE TORONTO BONG EXCHANGE.
The “opening bell” is said to be replaced by an “opening bong,” in which traders and employees will get high before setting off to work, as suggested by the Liberals’ new legalization push.
The Liberal government is said to be in favor of the TSX’s move, which they said was discussed with them at their latest “joint session.” An aid to Prime Minister Trudeau explained to Newsquips, “We believe the increase in pot smokers thanks to our progressive and sunny policies will greatly enhance the productivity of Canadians, especially amongst the teens and young adults who are our primary drivers of progressivism and full-on socialism. Also, Bombardier is thinking about going into the potato chip and snack business, so…”.
They then repeated their statement in what we believe to be French.