Saturday, February 1, 2020

OTTAWA — Previously an exacting technical term strictly reserved for specific military weaponry, the term “assault rifle” was expanded over the years to include all retail AR-15s in the hands of millions of consumers, then later to include any old “scary-looking gun.” Newsquips has learned that the term “assault rifle” or “assault weapon” will now be expanded to officially include conservative blogs, news sites, and podcasts.

Politicians and news media will reportedly be required by law to use the term properly from now on.

Both foreign — particularly American — and domestic web sites will be rated according to their political firepower, with sites such as The Daily Wire and Daily Caller, as well as Ben Shapiro’s highly popular podcast being further restricted to government-registered licence holders only. “Shapiro’s show is like an automatic weapon on rapid-fire — he talks so fast and says so many right-on right-wing things so quickly that liberal Canadian don’t stand a chance, so like this is woefully unfair to liberals,” admitted a Liberal Party spokeswoman.

The popular conservative site and others will be strictly prohibited “due to their inherent danger to liberal Canadian society?” another Liberal spokeswomen, Jane Renault-Bubois added, apparently asking Newsquips a question for some reason.

Canada’s Minister of Climate Action, Feminism, and Public Safety claimed “The Drudge Report is but an assault weapon to foment hate and racism and the Nazi right-wing alt-movement thingy in Canada.” He added, “We have a duty to protect citizens from this assault by right-wing Jew-hating propagandists like Ben Shapiro.” Shapiro was unavailable for comment as he was observing the Sabbath.

NewsQuips was unable to confirm whether Newsquips will require a special license or will in fact be banned.