PAPINEAU, QUEBEC — Officials speaking for Prime Minister Trudeau, without any interference from him, his staff, nor any civil servants, have told Newsquips that the PM will attempt a risky new tack in his continued effort at explaining his and his Liberals’ SNC-Lavalin corruption scandal. The Liberals continue to refer to the scandal as “the matter of the saving of the 9,000 jobs ‘n what-not.”
Having apparently failed, according to several news reports, at faking-out Canadians regarding the scandal, and with polls showing a continuing slide for the Liberals, the “feminist” Trudeau is said to be on the brink of telling Canadians what Liberal Party insiders are calling “not more idiotic lies,” with regard to the scandal.
Asked by Newsquips if by “not more idiotic lies,” what they meant was “the truth,” the insiders were apparently shaken by the question, refused to answer directly, and walked briskly away, pointing at what they said was a nearby squirrel. Newsquips was unable to spot any squirrels.
Newsquips was able to obtain a transcript of proposed talking points for the upcoming Liberal Party/Trudeau truth-telling event, which is said to be planned for noon on Easter Sunday, “to allow middle-class Canadians who are probably paying extremely close attention to the news at that time and on that day to fully engage in the conversation and become empowered by the diverse, alternate information.” The transcript is replete with references to “Trump” (U.S. President Donald Trump), “Mueller,” “Russia,” and “the settled science of man-made global warming which our scientists tell us is going to end the world in 12 years.” There are also repeated references warning Canadians of “the very real possibility of cougar attacks this summer,” and to the probability of “an asteroid strike over Metro Vancouver.”
According to several handwritten notes along the margins of the transcript, Trudeau is advised to attempt to utter at least one sentence in which he is to “try to not turn it into another f-ing 900-word word-salad that means f-all.” Other notes advise Trudeau to “not make that g-damn breathing-in noise more than twice per sentence.” One note says, “Take one reasonably long breath before you start a sentence, and then just plow through.” Another note scribbled under that says, “Also don’t say ‘um’ more than 8,000 times if you can hack it, hack.” At the bottom it is written, “who wrote that f’n ‘hack’ stuff? Find him or her and move them to Indian Affairs. Also, wear blue shirt, rolled-up sleeves, loose tie, to make it looks like you’re actually too busy to be there.”
Newsquips will be unable to attend the Easter Sunday news event on account of our not wanting to.