OTTAWA, ONTARIO —Sources tell NewsQuips that Canada’s prime minister Justin Trudeau will embark on a trip to the African continent next month. We’re told Liberal Party headquarters “has already Googled Africa, and have learned all kinds of culture-y stuff.”
A source who asked not to be identified explained that “the trip is a way to try to fix that freakin’ India trip Gong Show.” During that trip, Trudeau was reported to have repeated the Indian greeting “namaste” approximately 397 times, each time with a slight bow and hands pressed together, palms touching and fingers pointing upwards, thumbs close to the chest, “exactly as described in Wikipedia,” said our source, “so as to appear correctly Indian-ish.”
He was also widely criticized for adorning himself and his family in a wide variety of what Indian press described as “a butt-load of clown-like, over-the-top, Bollywood-style if Bollywood were a cheap-ass clown-show, attire” in which Trudeau appeared “to try to out-Indian the Indians.” Trudeau was also chastised by the world media for inviting a convicted attempted assassin (Indians being the target of his assassination attempt) — to an Indian state dinner — and to pose for photos with that same convicted criminal.
No assassins will be invited to Africa.
With regard to the Africa trip, we learned that Trudeau will be going by the temporary new moniker “Tru-diddy.” The prime minister will reportedly sport an “Afro” for the trip. His family are similarly expected to wear “Afros,” and “talk all cool-like” during the trip, according to our sources, who are mostly white Liberal women. Wardrobe plans include being topless for both himself and his “life partner,” who goes by a different name, Ms. Sophie Gregoire. According to Liberal insiders NewsQuips spoke to, “it’s how they do it in the country of Africa.”
The goals of this trip — or lack thereof — are going to be publicly announced up front, “so Canadians can have utterly no positive expectations whatsoever, this time” one source tell us. However, we’ve learned that this announcement will be made on the state-owned CBC, meaning few Canadians will actually see it.
“We wish to once again accomplish utterly nothing on this trip, except that we hope it will at least look like we Liberals loves all the multi-cultural diversity,” the source told NewsQuips. “We will also announce at least one (more) Bombardier jet being given to ‘the Africans'”, our source divulged, “to help them get to important climate change meetings.”
Another source close to the prime minister tells us, “Trudeau will attempt to learn some cool-sounding ‘Africanese’ in advance of the trip, such as ‘Kiambote tata,’ the common male greeting in the Congo, but Trudeau will of course then sternly explain to “the Africans” that “actually we in Canada prefer ‘Kiambote people‘ instead of the male-centric ‘Kiambote tata‘, on account of we’re progressive and feminist and what not, yo.”
We are told that after consultation with Liberal Party advisors with relatives in Detroit, Trudeau changed his plans from what he had initially intended to go with, which were the greetings “yo momma,” and “yo daddy-o,” and offering to his hosts all manner of complicated and lengthy “high-fives.”
“Justin had explained that since African Americans do it that way in rap music, he would appear in step with “the root cause” of African-American culture. But we fixed it and now with Trudeau’s ubiquitous feminist scolding, it will make it more Liberal and African-Canadian,” according to information obtained by NewsQuips.
Unconfirmed reports indicate that Trudeau is planning a subsequent trip later in the year to “the Asians.”